Kick fear in the ass
Doug and I took the pups on an 11-day, 600+ mile boat trip to Key West and back. From the photos, it looks like it was a fantastic trip and it was, however there’s another side to this story I’d like to share with you. The reason for my telling you the more personal discoveries of this trip is to inspire you to look more closely at how you may be “protecting” yourself needlessly and to kick fear in the ass.
Let’s start at the beginning. In the weeks leading up to this trip, which Doug fabulously planned end-to-end, I’d been struggling with high blood pressure and underlying anxiety. My doc had put me on new hypertension medication to help, which it did at first, however, the subtle anxiety was pumping it back up the week leading to our departure. I didn’t realize how much my anxiety was building. Although I was looking forward to getting away, I was also somehow very nervous and I wasn’t sure why.
Doug is a highly capable captain. I fully trust his ability, his plan, his boat, and that no matter what happened, we’d be fine. That’s what my brain told me. My emotions, however, were triggered into a self-protect mode that not only elevated my blood pressure, but triggered a severe panic attack that hit me in Fort Lauderdale. I felt intense pressure on my chest; an uncomfortable, scary tightness and thought I was having a cardiac event. I didn’t want to continue the trip. I wanted to turn that boat around and go back home. I felt horrible not just from the physical symptoms, but also because I was affecting our trip that Doug had worked so hard to plan.
Doug flew into action, called a friend in Lauderdale, we extended our stay one day so we could dock the boat and get me to an urgent care for an EKG. I was in communication with my doctor who upped my blood pressure medication and wrote me a low-dose prescription for Xanax for what I was beginning to realize was panic attacks, not a cardiac event.
The last time I felt like that was when my husband, Chuck, was in the final weeks of dying from cancer. That’s when I realized it was stress related, not cardiac related, but still got checked out.
So after I got a clear EKG, new meds, and got clear that I wasn’t about to croak from a heart attack (OMG writing this makes me feel so foolish…but I need to share it), I popped a Xanax and felt immediately better. We continued on our trip and I was able to muster calmness to enjoy how beautiful the water was, the boat ride down to Hawk’s Cay, our second stop.
And then the worry hit me again. Hard. I didn’t want to continue to Key West. I wanted Doug to turn us around and head back. We talked, he helped me process some of what I was concerned about, and I started reflecting on what was really going on with me. That is when I made the choice to use the way I was feeling, thinking and worrying about my safety, my ability to be secure, as a growth opportunity. How could I take my anxiety, my fears, and flip them into an opportunity to grow—to be the master and not the victim of my worrisome thoughts. I didn’t need to explore or examine why I had the anxiety, I just needed to decide not to let my fears run me and ruin what was an amazing trip. And it was.
Everything shifted after I made that choice.
After two days at Hawk’s Cay (the dolphin experience was so inspiring and beautiful) we continued on to Key West. Every day I chose to be confident, secure and in control of my thinking. Every day I made a choice to enjoy, to relax, to be grateful and appreciative of all that Doug put together and the opportunity to experience the Keys in a way I’d never been able to experience before. I was safe. I was fine. I was going to be alright. I chose to kick fear in the ass. Key West was fabulous and fun, our return stop at Key Largo for two days was also incredible with a trip to Molasses reef to snorkel and be “one with the fishies,” and the weather conditions could not have been better for our final leg of the trip to our home port, Fort Pierce, on the Fourth of July: Independence Day. I realized I had chosen independence from beliefs based in worry, fear and insecurity.
I’m still recuperating from the trip (living on a boat for 11 days is a LOT) but I am so glad we did it and that I was able to experience it and have the growth opportunity I did. And yes, I’m still going to be following up with my cardiologist to make sure the ticker is working good. Stress can have all sorts of physical symptoms and be quite subtle, and many people suffer from a variety of anxieties which can be debilitating. I trust my medical team to take care of the physical, and I will take care of the mental.
What is your anxiety?
Now that I’m back on dry land and have been taking time to reflect on the experience, my thinking, and how I dealt with everything, I started relating to my anxiety in relation to my business and what I’m building with my new pivot to passion, creativity and coaching. When put into the context of anxiety, fear, or worry, my strongest sensation relates to putting myself out there to promote and create awareness about what I am doing. I have always held back and resisted showcasing myself in a way that seemed self-aggrandizing (my definition) or as a bother to other people (again, my label).
For my entire life I have struggled with beliefs based in insecurity. Now, as I reflect on my response to the boat trip and how anxiety literally took over my body, I wonder how my beliefs in insecurity are manifesting in my latest business pivot. As procrastination? As busy work? As over-organizing and setting up business aspects of my new offerings (like setting up Florida state tax revenue reporting and business licenses, etc.)? As not marketing my oil paintings until I get a sufficient inventory? As not promoting my new Passion Course until it’s DONE? SERIOUSLY? All of these actions are supposedly protecting me from what I fear: putting myself out there and what will come of that. At least that’s what my brain is deciding for me.
Here’s what it’s protecting me from: aside from you—if you’ve read this far thank you for sticking with me—the people I’m meant to serve, inspire and help have no access to what I am creating or offering. My work, creativity and passions are staying hidden. The revenue I could generate from painting sales, coaching engagements and Passion Course sign-ups remains absent. The joy and satisfaction I could be experiencing from helping others is 100% inaccessible.
All because of my choice to stay in a fearful, protective mode away from judgment, criticism, annoyance or possible ostracization.
TALK ABOUT FEELING FOOLISH.
I have no ability to control how people respond to me or what I’m “putting out there.” I believe my brain is protecting me from the lack of controlling others’ response to me or my offerings by making me more comfortable staying “behind the curtain” doing the work versus putting myself out there in an exposed, uncontrolled situation.
THAT is what I learned from this boat trip. My brain was perceiving the situation as me not being in control of my environment and created a fearful state that triggered fight or flight physical symptoms manifesting as panic attacks. The reality is that I could not have been safer on this trip thanks to Doug’s planning, kindness and caring of how I was experiencing the trip.
I have a choice to take back control and face my fears, my anxiety and still move forward. This is my work. This could be your work, too, as you face the next growth opportunity in the work you want to do in the world. The passions you want to pursue. The discovery of your true purpose, your true power, and your true sense of who you are in the world.
Use my story, my example, to propel your journey and growth and kick fear in the ass. Let’s do it together.
